I Want a Flexible Nose

After my sanctimonious verbal splurge on the last post, we continue in the same vein as usual, hiding my morally corrupt opinions beneath veil of overly described food and underlying pessimism. You’re welcome.

From Bangkok’s beating heart, we took a taxi to the bus station in order to catch a double decker behemoth to the north. The bus station turned out to be the size of an airport terminal and a sprawling mess. Gone were the days of Taiwan’s public transport simplicity, we were two clueless lads from Salisbury who, among the undulating tide of Thais, had no idea how to collect our pre-booked tickets. Wandering around hopelessly, like two children who had lost their mums in the isles of Tesco, we eventually asked enough people and got pointed in the correct direction, back outside to a booth. Tickets in hands and breathing a simultaneous sigh of relief, we went back inside and to our departure gate. We sat there and waited as the inky night pressed against the dirty glass, only pierced by occasional lances of illumination from the bus headlights. 

I had chosen terrible seats online, which unfortunately drastically hindered the circulation of my blood, (a thing thought of as fairly vital by most medical practitioners these days), but there was nothing we could do so we settled down for the long journey. Dehydrated (to save us urinating everywhere) and our bodies contorted into the strangest positions, we got some of the least satisfying sleep possible. 

Chiang Mai

It was early morning and that meant that our frail semi-functioning bodies didn’t have to deal with the heat of the day quite yet which was a blessing. We unfolded our appendages and got ourselves in a Songthaew (a red pick-up truck taxi), shuffled into the back and hopped out 10 minutes later on the edge of the walled city centre. 

After crushing any thoughts that I might’ve had to push Brendan into the moat, we wandered through the walled city, scoping out places to grab some food in the early hours of the morning. Unfortunately, everywhere was closed so we popped out the other side and made our way to our hostel. On the way, we found a hostel that was open and seemingly did food so we pleaded them for sustenance. Due to my all-consuming hunger, usual breakfast fare wasn’t going to cut it, so I tore through an impressive red curry and felt much better. 

Our hostel was just around the corner and a beautifully designed place. The only issue was the lack of people and atmosphere but after getting settled in we focussed on figuring out what our plans were to be for the next few days in the north of Thailand. 

Nellie & Friends

One of the things we most wanted to do while in Thailand was visit an elephant sanctuary and having compared prices, the hostel we had got breakfast at gave us a good deal and we got picked up there early one morning. 

We made the comfortable journey in our minibus to the Dumbo Elephant Spa and I quickly we realised that the real-life Dumbo wasn’t going to be there. This betrayal, this complete disregard for integrity and the truth, meant that I quickly had to lower my expectations from flying elephants with mouse friends to just normal non-anthropomorphised elephants. 

The place advertises itself as an elephant spa but works as a sanctuary too. They take elephants that were used for inhumane activities such as riding and shows, then they aim to rehabilitate them. We were given snazzy blue vests (so that the elephants recognised us as people who were there to feed them) and got on with a full day of elephant based activities. We fed them fruit and went on a walk with them, then had a break for a buffet lunch. Full to the brim with rice, we had a mud bath with the elephants and then headed to the river and waterfall to wash off. The gentle giants seemed almost as happy as Brendan (who had been grinning nonstop all day) and you could especially tell how well they were treated from interacting with the baby elephant Ellie. She was as close to a puppy as a 150kg baby elephant could be and always wanted to play with one of the Thai volunteers. We left the spa desperately wanting a massive muscular face trunk but also with a deep respect for the incredibly intelligent and gentle creatures.

Consensual torture

With the accumulated aches and pains of a four months of travelling we happened to be in the country most renowned for its massages. Neither of us had experienced a massage before but we had unfortunately heard plenty of people prattling on about the restorative effects on your body and your mind. Our well-oiled machines were starting to creak so one evening we sought out a highly rated and reputable massage parlour on the other side of the old town. Almost an hour later the massage was done. They had prodded, pushed and pressed into all the areas of my bodily tissue that I wish they hadn’t, and I was now free. Wincing in discomfort as a small sadistic Thai lady chuckled, at the supposed hilarity of manhandling my long limbs into unpleasant shapes, was not fun. From what we could see, the only benefit of a massage was the primal adrenaline rush of surviving a full-on physical attack.

From Chiang Mai, we returned to Bangkok for two nights, deciding to stay in a different area of the city. Admittedly, we didn’t see much of it because we did accidentally end up spending a lot of time at a bakery/restaurant that did exquisite slices of apple pie and just down the road was an extortionately priced bar to watch the Rugby World Cup. I’m afraid no amount of Bangkok sightseeing would’ve topped watching Ireland, a proud rugby nation who had beaten the All Blacks a few years before, getting their hopes and dreams torn apart by a ruthlessly exciting Japanese team. 

A few days to go until my birthday and we planned to get down to some beaches to make the most of it. A very long bus ride was followed by a few hours sat waiting for the sun and the ferry to grace us with their presence. Soon we were on our way though, disturbing the serene waters of dawn and looking out for Koh Tao’s emerald speck on the horizon. 

Koh Tao

This island paradise nestled in the Gulf of Thailand was to be our home for the next week while I learned to scuba dive. Koh Tao is the smallest of the three popular islands on this stretch of Thailand’s coast. Koh Samui is the home of posh spas, Koh Pha Ngan is the home of the world renowned Full moon parties and Koh Tao is the budget option for those who would rather witness the majesty of the underwater realm than witness the ladyboy called “majesty” offering you an equally life changing experience. 

Another year closer to the end

My birthday followed our arrival on the island. I woke up, scoffed scores of complimentary biscuits from the jar and knew that we were in for a good day. We had a beach in mind where the coral was supposed to be amazing, there was a rock to jump off and even a place to indulge in a few responsible birthday drinks. We organised a taxi to take us there however, unlike normal taxis this was just some man’s family car. We got in and his daughter who was no older than 5 was standing on the passenger seat, absolutely transfixed by the road ahead. Making polite conversation with the man, suddenly his daughter told him off for socialising and pointed down a road, turns out she was the Satnav for our journey across the mountainous jungle interior of the island. We said goodbye to the man and his cute little girl (who couldn’t give less of a damn about our existence) and we took in our sandy surroundings. 

The beach itself was a swathe of white sand, in a wide but sheltered cove with overhanging palm trees and a few buildings offering accommodation/food. From the fringing palm trees, the intense green of the island rises up to ridges surrounding the cove. But, breaking through the homogenous green were piles of stoic boulders yet to be overcome by nature’s probing fingers. It was quite the backdrop. But seeing as we were at the beach, we focussed more on the water at hand. We hired snorkels and masks which were frustratingly terrible but still gave us brief windows of clarity before fogging up or letting water gush in. In those moments of clarity, the incredible coral of Koh Tao greeted us for the first time. It was dense, colourful and complex, with all sorts of organisms contributing to the underwater equivalent of a rainforest. The coral wrapped itself around the front of the giant boulder of granite that sat in the middle of the bay while to the back of it the sea floor dropped off out of visibility.

After snorkelling for a while, all I wanted to do was jump off the big rock. However, shimmying up some jagged rocks and getting closer I realised it wasn’t a rope anchored to the top of the vertical sided rock, it was in fact a slippery rusty chain. Jamming my bare feet flat against the rock I leant back and slowly hauled myself up to the top, taking little steps and holding on for dear life. The fear of death made the climb rather more heart racing than the jump but once I got the hang of the climb I spent a lot of time up there. Brendan on the other hand was having lots of fun snorkelling and swimming (that man is a fish) but eventually he thought he should have a go at the rock. Brendan did not lean back into it enough, which meant that his feet slipped and his naked man-torso slammed up against the unforgivingly coarse rock. Scraped up pretty badly, but still clinging on, he made it to the top and earned his jump. 

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of Brendan’s troubles for the day. Trying to help a dog that had got stuck on the rocks, Brendan’s skin failed him again. He famously bruises like “a peach at an all-day market stall” but on this day, he also proved his skin is just the organic equivalent of wet tissue paper, ready to tear at a moment’s notice. This time it was his feet that took the beating, absolutely torn to shreds by the rock/coral. One gash in particular was extremely deep and pretty gruesome. However, being actual morons we thought that the salt in seawater would fix him. The issue of exsanguination or sepsis slipped from our minds and we continued with our day. After exiting the water and actively thinning Brendan’s blood by having a few beers, we headed back to the hostel to chill (by chill I mean eat 25 more biscuits) and prepare ourselves for some dinner and a night on the strip.

We completed a posh 3 course meal and then we hit a few bars. The bars had some good live music and effective cocktails so we got rather drunk and eventually I got grumpy so we started to head back. Almost at the hostel and still not anywhere near sober, the music from a Spanish dive school/hostel was enough for us to forget all previous plans and go and get more alcohol inside us. Brendan decided not to dance after taking a quick peek at his sock and realising that the gore-soaked rag might get even more gross if he busted out a few moves. So, I got very wavy, spoke some terrible Spanish to some lovely people and then headed back to the bars. I mentioned Brendan’s blood loss predicament in passing to the girlfriend of a guy at the bar. She was aghast that he had kept swimming in the tepid, most likely contaminated seawater and then just left the cut to its own devices. She started to rummage in a bag and pulled out a full-on medical kit and instructed Brendan to reveal his wound. She cleaned it, put some sort of ointment on it and then closed it up using some special tape. Not long after we left for the hostel, Brendan somehow escaped without getting his foot amputated and my birthday was officially over. 

Fish are friends

The rest of our week on the island was spent with me diving amongst the most incredible coral I’ve ever seen while on my PADI course and Brendan walking all over the island. The feeling of diving is truly like nothing else. You are suspended in another reality, able to see the intricate kingdom of an ecosystem so vastly different than the one above the waves. Every facet of the reef is occupied by dazzling life in all its vibrancy and diversity and for a while, just for a little while, you forget that an excruciating death is only one misstep away. Hold your breath? Explode your lungs. Come to the surface too quickly? Decompression sickness or a slow painful death. Nevertheless, once I could control the buoyancy of my body (which apparently has the density of lead) I managed to see some impressive creatures such as: Giant grouper, titan trigger fish, a Moray eel and a blue spotted ray. 

Final thoughts

Once I had finished my diving, we made plans to get to Malaysia which was a complicated multi-phase conundrum but before that, we reflected on our time in Thailand. In the last few weeks: Brendan had accidentally starred in a pilot for the remake of the wildly popular show “Walking with Dinosaurs”, I discovered that rice and fruit can compliment each other and we had given an elephant a bath. Koh Tao was packed with western tourists and there was hardly a shred of culture left in sight, but the natural beauty of the place still shone through. Those spectacular visuals and the biscuits gave me the spiritual and physical fuel to consider the next leg of our voyage.

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